excitement of life is constant

Someone once said, "Only people who live boring lives can write good novels, where as people who live exciting lives, live it and not write about it".

The more and more I see people and their lives, I come to the conclusion that there are two main streams of lives, or people.
Those who have exciting jobs, important jobs which they define themselves with and spend most of their energy on, and those who have rather plain jobs or not too exciting jobs and have exciting after job lives.
These people do not define themselves through their jobs, no jobs are only a means to earn money. They define themselves through their hobbies- well for them the word hobby is not sufficient to describe it, more like second job/life.
These people are the semi-amateur musicians, dancers, sport athletes etc.
Their life consists of trying to finish their "day-job" as soon as possible, without straining themselves too much on it, and going to their "night=job" to really live, fulfil their dreams.

Very few gifted actually are able to do both. Also it is not like you are either one person or another, and you can change during your life course.
There is a balance in the world because of this. IF everyone wanted to strive to be their best in the day-jobs, then it would be too much competition, and visa versa.

Of course then there are people who do not do both... they probably have families and can be considered "professional-fathers/mothers or husbands/wives".who strive to be best at this.

whichever the case, life offers many outlets to put your effort and energy into, and even if one person doesn't put in to one thing, it is certain that there is something else they are doing...

So the excitement? well now to think about it, the efforts one puts in to "live life" is constant.. but people divide it into several ways- 1) work 2) after work leisure 3)family. if 1 is big then 2 or 3 becomes small, ...etc.

put it to equation...

Time/excitement(constant)100 = Xw(ork) + Xl(eisure activities) + Xf(amily) + α(time used to waste on internet, games and other stuff)

Xw = 100 - Xl - Xf - α

As Xl Xf increases Xw decrease. Of course there are people where α is the biggest of them all....or some people where α = Xw or α = Xl
The value of the Xs are different for all people...

Great Expectations.

Although this is one of those posting that does not enhance the world of any more information and is just one of my gibberish..
But anyhow, I've decided that I want to do several things before I turn 40... which is quite a long time away looking at this angle, but then again looking at the way the years pass by I think it wouldn't be too long as well.
Whichever the case
the list goes like this, not in specific ranking or order..

1. learn to speak 4 languages fluently- maybe a couple of more in an intermediate level.. I already am bilingual in Korean and English and speak Dutch more or less okay level, I just need to polish that and learn one more- thus achievable.

2. learn how to play the piano- jazz- enough to go to any bar and start playing a tune or start jamming with other musicians. - I know how to play a bit but if I learn more or less the jazz styles, I won't be able to play pro, but enough to just enjoy ...

3. buy a camera- proper one, start taking proper photos... not much effort needed with the exception of that I need to get more info on stuff..

4. join a dance company semi-pro for atleast a year.. probably salsa.. this takes one year. and that I have to postpone doing other things...

5. live in my sixth country...

Yeah yeah, and then there is find someone get married get a child etc... but well sometime I feel that is much harder to achieve than the list above...

---
one more addition.. learn how to play bass- funk style, lots of slapping and poping.

found it

Many people say that you really find yourself around the ages of 30 or so. That when you are in your twenties you are still unsure of who you are, and your true identity. You go through the whole process of trying this and that and around 30 you find it. You. Also around that time you find your partner. True most people actually find them around the ages of 25 to 30, but well I guess when you find yourself, it is easier to find the person, the style of person you want to be with.

Style wise I found it. Ofcourse this does not mean that I will stick to this for the rest of my life nor that this is the ONLY style I will stick to, but well let's just say this will be my 30s style. And it is.... drum roll please~~~

Acid Jazz. - a London based movement of music - which combines jazz with soul, funk and disco beats, and includes electronic compositions.

I have grown out of my hip hop RnB trousers and now need to get into my new love for Soul/funk flava jazz.. what is called Acid Jazz.

And due to this, or maybe it was the other way around, I am now searching for someone who will fit this style which can be seen in this music video of Jay Kay of Jamiroquai.


okay, I don't know how as a woman you are supposed to dress accordingly. BUT if you find someone like this- Jay Kay that is and no not the characteristics but mostly the looks or the taste in music- please send them to me. Thank you.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Scrap that. Its not Jay Kay, no .. he's to main stream for me.
Its more Gilles Peterson or Ben Westbeech...ish Acid Jazz fellows

Seriously Ben Westbeech's song is to die for and Gilles Peterson is the guru of acid jazz... so I say.

The posts

I know, the post these days look abit schizophrenic.
Its as if, as there are several many of which conflicting personalities that try to come out of the body of a schizo.. my blog is trying to perform several functions at once. None of which it is performing well I must say.
Whichever the case, I do sincerely apologize for this behavior.

I will try to go back to my semi social reflective sides of my blog and keep it more towards this angle.

You might ask, well is it that you have nothing more to say to the world? or is it that there hasn't been anything that made you think or analyze about? (also sorry for the "american" english, but well my spelling check is apparently turned on to this.)
have you no interesting thoughts on the world? you may ask.. and i would say, no actually I have. Its just that well.. couple of things.
One I have been moving around abit recently and havent really had the time to jot all these things down... other more urgent things that needed to be taken care of.
Secondly, well I am at the phase in life- which is called the Thirties... when you believe you really do not have nothing more to add to the world- well I can't speak for the whole population, but it does come with the age description- as George Orwell also wrote that- not in direct quotes = but that people in their thirties turn to more banal things in life, since they realize that their lives are as normal as your normal John Does.. and well, I agree completely. I mean you may be a world traveler who has had several love affairs with millitent dictators and artists all over the world, written best selling novels and had climbed mount everest, but at the end of the day, well you realize that there are quite a number of you out there, and well you ain't all that special.

Whichever the case, since I have thought of this, I had the feeling that whatever I write on the blog is merely some complaints I have that I couldn't take out in the real world, or just as some facet of my frustrations, which i couldn't take out on my therapist, since I can't find nor afford a decent one and or there aren't other facets I can resort to resolve my urge for expressions. I actually believe this is the case for many blogs we see scattered around the cyber world these days.

To be continued...

Get korean food delivered to your own doorsteps.

It really sucks to live in a city where the Korean population is practically 1 - well actually its more like 10 but who is counting and if I don't know them, they don't count. The biggest problem is not that I can't speak in my "mother tongue" but that I just cannot get Kimchi anywhere! I mean I have to drag my ass to the nearest big city- where there are atleast more than 10 Koreans, to get any decent Korean food. Yes indeed one can get used to not having what one wants, and make do with other things. However, what I chose to do is well, make do and then ask my mummy to send me huge packages, which doesn't work sometime cuz like during summer you just cannot send sth like Kimchi, or anything that may go bad through a post that will take a week!
Anyhow, so I made do.. kept my urge for the red-pickled-present-from-the-gods to a minimum and substituted pickles or zuurkool.

But now, my suffering, and of those who were in the same situation is about to end.
How you ask?
Through internet shopping malls. Why I didn't think of this before, I have no idea.
But anyhow. There is an internet shopping mall based in Germany which delivers Korean food to your doorsteps. Ok, not made but the ingredients.

It is called. K Mall (http://www.kmall.de)
and it practically has everything, including like 7 different types of Kimchi. (thank you god)
Okay it is abit pricy, but not more pricy than what you would have to pay at a normal asian supermarket- actually its abit cheaper.
Also, they deliver it for you, so no need to carry massive loads of stuff back home.

The delivery price is about 5 euros for Germany - and if you buy 49 euros or more it's free. And for the rest of Europe, it depends largely on the weight- for Spain and Southern European countries, its so expensive that I think it isn't worth it really. But for the Be.Ne.Lux its 7 euros up to 5 kgs.

Unfortunately it is only in Korean... so for those of you who like to order some Korean stuff and cannot speak Korean.. well get a Korean to do it for you. However those of you in the States you can just easily check out Komart an English online-korean supermarket in english. In german there is http://www.gourmondo.de/ however i don't think they have Korean food.

Anyhow happy shopping folks!

Cool parent culture of Prenzlauer

Although the whole of Germany might be struggling with low fertility rates, Berlin, especially Prenzlauerberg an old east Berlin neighborhood known for its alternative lifestyle isn't having any problems in that area.
It has been noted that this area is having a "baby boom", and if you just keep an eye out you do not have to be a statistician or a sociologist to figure that this is indeed true. Even if Berlin is known to have no manufacturing in the city, there is atleast one thing they know how to produce- babies.

Just take a seat in one of the nice trendy cafes and look at the people passing by. Most of them will either be pregnant, with a child or two, or indeed shagging to have one- which my upstairs neighbor apparently is doing every morning.
One of the many maternity clothes shops in Prenzlauerberg- named "Sexy Mama"

Due to that this place is an alternative scene area with hipsters, the parents are not "parent-like". They are hop and groovy like your average single 30ish late 20ish people. It seems as is there has been some fashion fad to have babies as accessories. Ofcourse the children are all dressed in proper alternative fashion- and the baby stores make sure this trend persist. The other thing is there is a specific age group here. The parents are around the ages of late 20s to mid-late 30s. The children are from 0 to 6~7ish. It's hard to find kids above this age and mostly they are 1~2 years old. It seems as if this place was filled with alternative youngsters around the age of mid twenties in the 1990s which grew up, hooked up with each other and now producing second generation cool hipsters. I must say there are several daddies with babies sitting in ice cream parlours which look more like cool cafes for adults rather than having the colurful silly look that are for children that I personally would not have mind hooking up with- with or without baggage.

I've noticed several parents with their buggies proudly strutting with their off springs. I feel like seeing ducks in spring where they strut with their ducklings lined up behind them. They have a way in which in seems "look at what I have achieved. my beautiful-stylish baby"..

A photo shop in Prenzelberg- as you can see there are mostly family photos and also some photos of women pregnant, with tattoos, etc..

So in this respect I myself not having a child and/or pregnant actually feel like the outsider here, where in the rest of the world it is that the parents- now with the little creature they created - usually get excluded from the culture life. Here I feel like I have to press my belly out a bit just to not stand out and look like there is a bun in the oven.. and well let me tell you I really don't even have to try hard for this- it comes more or less natural.

Whichever the case, Prenzlauer Berg makes it seem parenting is just another stage in life which doesn't mean you loose your individuality your previous life style. Its just that it includes a little being with it. This is exactly how it is here. People still go to bars, cafes sub cultural meetings etc just with their children now.

Ofcourse having said this, I still do believe there are sacrifices to be made into parenthood, I mean it essentially mean that you would not have the time and or the energy to do other things that you could've would've done earlier. Such as joining a dance company. If you are one of those people who do not have much aspirations in other things that consume a large amount of your time and energy this may be the option for you.

I must say

I am afraid that...
My appreciation of beautiful men will take me down with a big crash one day...
ah, but how lovely and heart throbbing they are.
especially taken with large quantities of caffeine

You love me...

You will think I'm amazing when you don't really know me well enough.
You will think I'm awful when you don't really know me well enough.

Those who you don't really know in depth are always great or horrible.

Commitment

I always had commitment issues, since I remember.
Well I can't really recall the first time I've realized this but at least in relationships, I always was afraid of taking the plunge.
This extended to something of what we call a long period with no relationships.
I broke this spell, only with a long-distance relationship. Easy enough, no strong commitments needed- he was a sea away..

Whichever the case, after awhile I have realized that it wasn't just guys I had trouble committing to. It was guys, girls- as friends, schools, societies, countries etc.
You can probably see this from the fact that I've managed to move three times in the last three years, taking me from Seoul Korea now to Berlin, Germany.

It may have to do with the fact that I am afraid of making the wrong decision or having made the wrong decision, and the better decision is just around the corner or just was the other option. Always a bit afraid of the outcomes and the consequences, I must say I never really took the plunge. Even when I did, there was something that would've happen that make me take a cautious step back to examine exactly what was happening and then have a slight regret followed by a fear that my life actually was a series of bad judgments and mistakes.

I guess it coincide with my pseudonym "insatiable hee"... that I am never really satisfied by anything. That I always at one side in the good way of putting things, always am searching for something more, but on the other side will not be happy with anything because I will always find something missing or wrong with it. Be ambitious they say, never telling us that this will actually lead to a sociopathic symptom of not being satisfied with anything or anybody.

I think this is what other people who have commitment issues are like more or less and I do not feel my situation is anything special- this feeling of being "the norm" comes with the coming of age where you are comfortable with the fact that you are just a mere copy of others.

Actually having a brief look around the internet for some "commitment issues" "fear of commitment" I got exactly the same description of the symptom come out as the one I've jotted above. *see wikipedia input for "fear of commitment" for this. its exactly what I've just said*
**also see this input from phobias-help.com. or this

One of the biggest problem for me is that I fear that I do feel like I am handling my CP relatively well, but then again also doubt every and single judgment I make/made more and more, which ends with a big panic attack.

Some example, so, as I mentioned currently am in Berlin and the initial(?) plan was that I stay here for about three months, because I am in a prominent institute with many people who could be of help and well its Berlin, apparently Heaven according to others. The problem is during the 3weeks I am here, I had good times as well but it wasn't all happy go lucky. I must admit several things- such as getting fined by the police for a stupid thing, problems with housing, loosing my passport etc did not help. However, the more important things were doubts about everything such as will I really like this place? or how about my inability to speak the language, wouldn't that be a obstacle which will stop me from doing anything??? etc etc
So I do feel like I want to go back to the Netherlands, yes back to what I perceive as a love-hate relationship or in other aspects I feel as a "violent" relationship. Atleast there was familiarity. I have friends there, a stable home and I more or less speak the language. It feels like I agreed on a contract with some one, to have a three months relationship, leaving my husband for those period. The new guy is cool stylish etc etc. The only problem is that we have tough time communicating and well, we are not used to each other, and its taking much more time than I thought to get used to him. Yeah, no sex as well, not that I was getting any in my older relationship. And the more I go into this new relationship I keep seeing the good aspects of my old.. I mean it wasn't that bad we had good times and I must say the familiarity aspect becomes more and more important as you grow older. It is as if your ability to adapt to new things decrease as you age and as well as your excitement for new things.

So what is the solution to all this?? The only problem is that although the symptoms of commitment issues were clear cut, I couldn't find any decent resolutions for this phobia, the ones I got were all advertisements for some psycho-therapy method. Some of the more helpful ones I've found actually were on how you should really give up on the hopes of finding "true-love" and "the one" and realize relationships are efforts! another one was more helpful, saying maybe its not really your false beliefs but more due to the fact that you are not true to yourself in the beginning of the relationship.
And even better a Stuart Jefferies article on commitment phobias!

Whichever the case, despite the fear that I am turning this in to a self-help info providing site, I think there are some things you can do to get rid of your CP.

First is to make a fu*king choice, and don't fear that this would be the wrong choice. One thing I've learned is that in most cases there aren't any Best choices- with the exception of those that are made by C-net.

Second is to try not to freak out when something bad/unexpected or something along the lines happen. I mean it is bound to happen, and it was stupid of you to have thought it wouldn't happen. But the thing is, it is NOT the END OF THE WORLD! you can always "change" the situation or try to solve it someway... and always remember NO ONE/ NOTHING / NO PLACE is perfect.

Which brings me to the third, try to find the good parts of your choice. As there can be bad things- compared to that of what you were expecting or were used to before, there is bound to be something nicer as well.

Lastly, try to give your self a little time frame. In other words, this is not going to be the choice that has to stick with you your whole life- with the exception of very few. I mean you can go back to the other choice- but give yourself or that choice a chance for...well some specified time you choose yourself or is given to you. For example, am in Berlin for three months, and I know that what ever happens, I mean like I will only be here for three months. What is three months out of my long life yeah?
Also remember when you realize that you will be leaving the place/person soon- it always seem better!

I have to say despite all this, I myself have not really been able to over come the problems of CP. Although I am now conscious of the problem and trying to fight it. HOwever, it does become a problem when you end up making yourself stick to a choice just to over come the phobia of commitment when it was really a bad choice. But then again, it is almost impossible to conclude that something is/was a bad choice.

Love and longing

Sometimes I have the feeling that I am incapable of love, but have the infinate ability to long for someone who has left or cannot be taken.

Maybe its a defence mechanism from the fear of getting invloved. Getting hurt, falling in love, falling out.

Look but do not touch.
Long but do not love.