Tuesday, February 07, 2006

John Cleese's Message to the Citizens of America

This is John Cleese's message sent to the people in the US after the re-election of Bush.
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen ElizabethII will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed atjust how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and"neighbour". Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

5. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists showsthat you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handledby adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish tocarry a vegetable peeler in public.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

11. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will helpyou understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have mistakenly been calling gasoline)-roughly $6 per US gallon Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

14. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as goodguys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in FourWeddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removedwith a cheese grater.

16.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, intime, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to Americanfootball, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds orwearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hostan event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

19. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all tax monies due(backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation."


Seriously this guy is so funny that I want to bear his children or any of the crew from Monty Python's flying circus..

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