Wednesday, August 22, 2007


I always had commitment issues, since I remember.
Well I can't really recall the first time I've realized this but at least in relationships, I always was afraid of taking the plunge.
This extended to something of what we call a long period with no relationships.
I broke this spell, only with a long-distance relationship. Easy enough, no strong commitments needed- he was a sea away..

Whichever the case, after awhile I have realized that it wasn't just guys I had trouble committing to. It was guys, girls- as friends, schools, societies, countries etc.
You can probably see this from the fact that I've managed to move three times in the last three years, taking me from Seoul Korea now to Berlin, Germany.

It may have to do with the fact that I am afraid of making the wrong decision or having made the wrong decision, and the better decision is just around the corner or just was the other option. Always a bit afraid of the outcomes and the consequences, I must say I never really took the plunge. Even when I did, there was something that would've happen that make me take a cautious step back to examine exactly what was happening and then have a slight regret followed by a fear that my life actually was a series of bad judgments and mistakes.

I guess it coincide with my pseudonym "insatiable hee"... that I am never really satisfied by anything. That I always at one side in the good way of putting things, always am searching for something more, but on the other side will not be happy with anything because I will always find something missing or wrong with it. Be ambitious they say, never telling us that this will actually lead to a sociopathic symptom of not being satisfied with anything or anybody.

I think this is what other people who have commitment issues are like more or less and I do not feel my situation is anything special- this feeling of being "the norm" comes with the coming of age where you are comfortable with the fact that you are just a mere copy of others.

Actually having a brief look around the internet for some "commitment issues" "fear of commitment" I got exactly the same description of the symptom come out as the one I've jotted above. *see wikipedia input for "fear of commitment" for this. its exactly what I've just said*
**also see this input from or this

One of the biggest problem for me is that I fear that I do feel like I am handling my CP relatively well, but then again also doubt every and single judgment I make/made more and more, which ends with a big panic attack.

Some example, so, as I mentioned currently am in Berlin and the initial(?) plan was that I stay here for about three months, because I am in a prominent institute with many people who could be of help and well its Berlin, apparently Heaven according to others. The problem is during the 3weeks I am here, I had good times as well but it wasn't all happy go lucky. I must admit several things- such as getting fined by the police for a stupid thing, problems with housing, loosing my passport etc did not help. However, the more important things were doubts about everything such as will I really like this place? or how about my inability to speak the language, wouldn't that be a obstacle which will stop me from doing anything??? etc etc
So I do feel like I want to go back to the Netherlands, yes back to what I perceive as a love-hate relationship or in other aspects I feel as a "violent" relationship. Atleast there was familiarity. I have friends there, a stable home and I more or less speak the language. It feels like I agreed on a contract with some one, to have a three months relationship, leaving my husband for those period. The new guy is cool stylish etc etc. The only problem is that we have tough time communicating and well, we are not used to each other, and its taking much more time than I thought to get used to him. Yeah, no sex as well, not that I was getting any in my older relationship. And the more I go into this new relationship I keep seeing the good aspects of my old.. I mean it wasn't that bad we had good times and I must say the familiarity aspect becomes more and more important as you grow older. It is as if your ability to adapt to new things decrease as you age and as well as your excitement for new things.

So what is the solution to all this?? The only problem is that although the symptoms of commitment issues were clear cut, I couldn't find any decent resolutions for this phobia, the ones I got were all advertisements for some psycho-therapy method. Some of the more helpful ones I've found actually were on how you should really give up on the hopes of finding "true-love" and "the one" and realize relationships are efforts! another one was more helpful, saying maybe its not really your false beliefs but more due to the fact that you are not true to yourself in the beginning of the relationship.
And even better a Stuart Jefferies article on commitment phobias!

Whichever the case, despite the fear that I am turning this in to a self-help info providing site, I think there are some things you can do to get rid of your CP.

First is to make a fu*king choice, and don't fear that this would be the wrong choice. One thing I've learned is that in most cases there aren't any Best choices- with the exception of those that are made by C-net.

Second is to try not to freak out when something bad/unexpected or something along the lines happen. I mean it is bound to happen, and it was stupid of you to have thought it wouldn't happen. But the thing is, it is NOT the END OF THE WORLD! you can always "change" the situation or try to solve it someway... and always remember NO ONE/ NOTHING / NO PLACE is perfect.

Which brings me to the third, try to find the good parts of your choice. As there can be bad things- compared to that of what you were expecting or were used to before, there is bound to be something nicer as well.

Lastly, try to give your self a little time frame. In other words, this is not going to be the choice that has to stick with you your whole life- with the exception of very few. I mean you can go back to the other choice- but give yourself or that choice a chance for...well some specified time you choose yourself or is given to you. For example, am in Berlin for three months, and I know that what ever happens, I mean like I will only be here for three months. What is three months out of my long life yeah?
Also remember when you realize that you will be leaving the place/person soon- it always seem better!

I have to say despite all this, I myself have not really been able to over come the problems of CP. Although I am now conscious of the problem and trying to fight it. HOwever, it does become a problem when you end up making yourself stick to a choice just to over come the phobia of commitment when it was really a bad choice. But then again, it is almost impossible to conclude that something is/was a bad choice.

1 comment:

Kwame said...

Great post. I have commitment problems, too, and I can relate to all the symptoms you listed. Mine is probably a bit more severe, so I have a lot of fixing to do.