Wednesday, October 28, 2009

draft thought: what do I excel in?

In the past months, I have had a dreading thought in my head. This thought keep getting bigger and bigger reconfirming itself throughout the experiences I went through... the thought was that, I am just average. not like average joe, but more like, I do not excel in anything actually, and am just mediocre in well some, if not many things.

Orwell once said
"After the age of about thirty they almost abandon the sense of being individuals at all - and live chiefly for others, or are simply smothered under drudgery." - quote from Why I write.

I actually read this quote when I was not yet 30, and thought, bullshit. And now, like I do with all his other writing, this cannot be a better description of how I feel my life is. Ofcourse, he went on to say how writers are exempt from this rule of thumb, and well I am not sure if I can categorize myself as one, but I am definitely not an exception to this rule.

The problem is that I realised at a young age, I can do several things in a relatively easy manner. Sing, dance, do researchesque things, speak ... etc.
Now, after turning thirty, maybe due to the prior expectations that I would actually now excel in some of these things, given that I have been doing them for some time already, I do not feel like my ability to do one thing is any better than the next person. Thus I am just "meh".. mediocre in ..well not even all things but some things.

My dancing days are long gone, my voice changed into that which is okay to listen to but not something that one would want to go and hear, and my research skills, well let's just say I see younger researchers produce much more than what I have done.

I have tried hard in the last week(s) to try to figure out what I am indeed good at.
I am not a great singer,
I am not a great dancer,
I am not a great researcher
I am not a great cook - my skills have decreased over the years
I am not born nor developed beauty that excels the average person
I am not that great in sports - actually with this, I am below average.
I am not sure if I am a good friend or good at socialising - I used to be...but now I just talk to the computer using blogger.
I am not even so sure if I am a good girlfriend - I think some will definitely disagree with this,
Or if I am even good in bed.. well I don't think I am exceptional in this as well.

The only two things I've found that I am good at, is putting sexual innuendo in everyday sentences, and being cynical concerning life. But then again, I am sure there are others who are better than me at this as well...


Owen said...

Someone once pointed out to me that each of us excel at at least one thing: being ourselves. You may not be the best at a single activity e.g. cooking, running, etc., but you will be the best person that can cook Korean food a bit, AND dance a bit, AND sing a bit, AND insert sexual innuendo into everyday conversation, AND write scientific research, AND not intimidate your friends by not being a star athlete. If you still think you're not the best at something, you're just not defining the categories broadly enough.

One of the (few) useful things I learned in high school.

insatiable hee said...

Who are you and what did you do to my friend('s google account)??!!!

Owen said...

Owen took the week off to work on his PhD, so I'm filling in for him.

Phil said...


fleeble said...

This post is hilarious! :D