Sunday, January 21, 2007

And all that ass! on British Telly

Self-help for everything
One of the things that characterise British telly scene is the massive amounts of shows that are geared towards the audience as self-help shows. This includes how to clean your house (“How clean is your house?”), how to loose weight and eat healthy (“You are what you eat”), how to discipline your children (“Supper nanny”), how to dress properly (“What not to wear”) all the way to how to be better in bed (“Sex Inspectors").

Having Trouble in Bed? Get help from the “Sex Inspectors”

The show Sex Inspectors is a show which helps couples – married or cohabitating- to enhance their libidos and have better sex with each other. There are two Sex inspectors who will first evaluate your current sexual patterns, and then tell you what is wrong and give you tips on how you can overcome the problems.
The problems range from “she can’t orgasm though penetration sex”, “she wants too much too frequent and he doesn’t” all the way through “bad results with wild sex experiments” and “she got to fat to do other positions and I am bored”.

How to evaluate your sex life
How the sex inspectors evaluate your sex life, is first through interviews, held separately for each couple. To ask them what they feel, what they lack and what they think the problem is. Of course, it is hard to be completely open because you’re in front of the national telly, which your mum, dad, friends can all see, and you’re talking to someone you don’t know. So, as the solution to this problem they also record you and your partner having sex. No, no shading or filters used, but you see its okay for its for treatment! No, no its not porn with normal people in it. Yes, sometimes, cuz some people like to have sex in the dark they use good infra-red cameras- which I must add have developed quite a lot these days – see the Paris Hilton video if you don’t believe me.

Help! I can't come!
Afterwards, the inspectors watch the videos of their clients having sex quite intensively and then evaluate what is wrong, of course along with the British public. It’s all clinical, such as, “As you can see from this movement, he is not penetrating her slowly enough” or “Look at him, he just walks in with an erection asking for sex!”, or “If you can see she apparently did not really come”.

Tips on how not to use your tip
So what kind of advice do you get?
Each week they give you a wide range of tips to enhance your sex drive, sex life in various ways, which is actually available on the web.
These range from teasing each other, using sex toys or role games, to taping and watching your spouse masturbate in the shower, which are all very non perverted safe and normal things which all couples must do!
Other than this, they also “correct” the way you have done your normal sex. Such as tips to how to properly do a cunnilingus. “ The man must relax the tongue and use the whole flat of the tongue rather than tensing it and just using the tip... The man can also try spelling out the alphabet with his tongue on her clitoris.” Get it men? No tips but alphabets! Yeah, yeah also women get advice as well, don’t worry it’s a gender neutral show! Such as using your finger to stimulate your partner’s anus, “very gently place a lubricated finger in your partner's anus and wait whilst the muscle round it relaxes. Then gently stimulate the G spot with a beckoning motion”. Beckoning eh? I am sure once you do this they will start beckoning more...

Happy sex in happy relationships
Like most shows that deal with self help issues, just before the credits roll up they show the happy couple talking about how the sex inspectors helped their life greatly, and how they were thinking of divorce just before the show, but now am re-living their second honeymoon and want to stay together for the rest of their lives (having lots and lots of sex). Yes, indeed good sex can go a long way.

Just an excuse to play porn?
You ask yourself, especially when you’re not used to this bluntness of British telly, is this really a show that helps people, or is this just a really lame excuse to play porn or sex on national television without getting censored? You be the judge, but whichever the case, I am sure some lives are actually being saved here as well. Although must say that there are shows, such as “Ban this filth”( - a parody of shows which ban explicit things on telly and society, which is run by three grannies- real grannies!- but is just an excuse to show all!), which definitely is a show that is just a lame excuse to show more ass and tits – and penises and vaginas- on telly.

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